Top 12 Song Choices

The theme for the top 12 is “Songs From The Year You Were Born,” because apparently the new goal of the Idol producers is to constantly remind everyone how old they arehow young this year’s contestants are. Here’s my take on what the contestants should sing to bring me maximum entertainment value. You know, because in the end, this show is all about how much entertainment I get.

Casey Abrams (1991)
Should sing: “Do You Want Me” (Salt-n-Peppa) – because the song is in his range and, more importantly, the laughter-inducing potential of Casey asking if you want him is great.
Should not sing: “I Touch Myself” (Divinyls) – because there’s a fine line between laughter-inducing and vomit-inducing

Haley Reinhart (1991)
Should sing: “Enter Sandman” (Metallica) – because the logical progression after Alicia Keys and LeAnn Rimes is Metallica
Should not sing: “I’ll Give All My Love To You” (Keith Sweat) – because the world can only take so many pained sexy baby faces before it implodes

Jacob Lusk (1987)
Should sing: “Never Gonna Give You Up” (Rick Astley) – because he’s the only one born in 1987 and I would really appreciate being rickrolled in real life
Should not sing: “Jacob’s Ladder” (Huey Lewis and The News) – because just imagining the cringe-worthy puns that Randy would spew after the performance is making me gag

James Durbin (1989)
Should sing: “Forever Your Girl” (Paula Abdul) – because James Durbin will be forever your girl. (Bonus points if he perfects Paula’s choreography in the music video)
Should not sing: “Paradise City” (Guns N Roses) – because after back-to-back seasons with Adam Lambert and Siobhan Magnus, the scream needs to be retired.

Karen Rodriguez (1989)
Should sing: “Si Voy A Perderte” (Gloria Estefan) – because Karen Rodriguez is nothing if not consistent
Should not sing: “Don’t Want To Lose You” (Gloria Estefan) – because I don’t need any of this English bullshit in my American Idol

Lauren Alaina (1994)
Should sing: “Come To My Window” (Melissa Etheridge) – because it’ll show that Lauren is more Kimberly Caldwell than Kelly Clarkson
Should not sing: “Crazy” (Aerosmith) – because I don’t want to hear Lauren murder early Aerosmith

Naima Adedapo (1984)
Should sing: “Thriller” (Michael Jackson) – because Naima might be the only one who can match the wtfery of the “Thriller” video
Should not sing: “Against All Odds” (Phil Collins) – because there is zero “BOOM-FIYAH” potential, which is how all Naima performances will now be graded

Paul McDonald (1984)
Should sing: “99 Luftballons” (Nena) – because, good lord, finally a song that fits Paul’s voice!
Should not sing: “Footloose” (Kenny Loggins) – because the stage movements are already manic enough

Pia Toscano (1988)
Should sing: “Kokomo” (Beach Boys) – because Pia needs to be fun and nothing says fun like Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I want to take ya to Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama
Should not sing: “Where Do Broken Hearts Go” (Whitney Houston) – because… does this really need explaining?

Scotty McCreery (1993)
Should sing: “Dre Day” (Dr. Dre) – because I’m pretty sure (though not positive) Dr. Dre is in his vocal range.
Should not sing: “I Will Always Love You” (Whitney Houston) – because I’m positive Whitney Houston is not

Stefano Langone (1989)
Should sing: “It’s No Crime” (Babyface) – because who doesn’t want to hear Babyface? and it’s got built-in punctuated verses so Stefano doesn’t have to staccato-ify them himself
Should not sing: “My Prerogative” (Bobby Brown) – because, just no.

Thia Megia (1995)
Should sing: “Dear Mama” (2Pac) – because Thia is young so a song about her mama is obviously age-appropriate
Should not sing: “Every Little Thing I Do” (Soul For Real) – because Thia singing a song by Soul For Real would just be a blatant lie

Who’s hyped for Wednesday? I’ll be at the Golden State Warriors’ game where Anoop Desai will be performing. (Entirely coincidentally, and I’m still not entirely sure I’ll actually be staying for Anoop.)