Archive for the 'parody' Category

Moments

This is now a One Direction parody blog. Liam Payne tweets like a dyslexic squirrel. So I sang him a song. Because that’s how I do.

When you tweet use some commas
Or even a period
I promise they’re helpful
I promise they won’t hurt you
Please stop making the English language cry

Why do you hate
holding the shift key?
What did it do to you?
You make it harder
To decipher all your tweets

If you would only take the time to spell things out
If you would only capitalize

Liam Payne,
What do you have against good grammar?
Why can’t you just use auto-correct?
Your random tweets could be really great
If you would just punctuate

Flashing toothbrush twitpics
Big sports store that’s named Dick’s
Take on pineapples is
Not sure ’bout their motives

Got ninety-nine problems
But a bitch ain’t one

Look like white Carlton
And congatuwelldone
On Twitcam all night long
It’s on like Donkey Kong

Liam Payne,
What do you have against good grammar?
Why can’t you just use auto correct?
Your random tweets could be really great
If you would just punctuate

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One Thing

I don’t even know. I don’t even know. I hope you all appreciate how accurately I have copied Niall’s voice in the chorus.

One Thing

I’ve tried playing it cool
But when I listen to you
I can’t hide from my shame
‘Cause you’ve made me insane

Now I’m out of my mind
You’re my kryptonite
I blame my Twitter feed
For dragging me so deep

Something’s gotta give now
‘Cause I’m trying to function today
But it’s so hard ’cause this song sounds
Like “I Want It That Way”

Please get out, get out, get out of my head
I need to do some work instead
I don’t, I don’t, don’t what it is
But I’m stuck on “One Thing”
Just goddamnit, “One Thing”

Before He Tweets

Twitter made me do it.

Right now, he’s probably Tumblr surfing
For some 1D gifs just looking at the pretty
Right now, he’s probably getting stuck
On some youtube vids watching cute ninja kitties
Right now, he’s probably talking trash about
That one girl in a gchat convo
And he don’t know

I @replied with sarcasm to his three hour late opinion
Pointed out his misplaced apostrophe
I made a real witty joke about his ignorance
Preyed upon every typo
And maybe next time he’ll think before he tweets

Got Rid Of A White Guy

Colton was sent packing this week! Which makes me simultaneously super happy and super sad. I grew to like Colton. He was kind of insane and played around a bit. He kept things interesting. But he was also a white dude who fit broadly into the “rock” genre, so I don’t mind getting a little proof that his fanbase wasn’t bulletproof. So, my conflicted farewell song to Colton below.


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Nobody Voted For Her

Oh Erika Van Pelt, you were doomed from the start. As a rock-influenced girl who at one point had pink streaks in her hair, you had no chance. You probably didn’t know this, of course. So thanks for trying. Anyway, here’s my farewell song to Erika, to the tune of the Billy Joel song everyone should’ve covered this week, “We Didn’t Start The Fire.”


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No Dancing For Jeremy

In a ridiculous move that at one point placed six out of the thirteen finalists in danger, Idol announced the bottom 3 vote getting guys and girls and there were really no surprises. The only one who was sort of a shock was Joshua – but when you consider he performed first and really has no actual fanbase to speak of, it’s not all that puzzling. Anyway, all the ridiculous nonsense with the bottom six and the bottom guy and girl and the judges deliberation and what not ended up with sweet Jeremy Rosado getting the ax. And no one really cared. He didn’t even get to sing himself out. Again, sad. Idol, stop robbing people of their swan songs. It’s just mean. I’ve come back to remedy that yet again! And because I know everyone wanted to hear me sing some Whitney Houston ‘ere goes:

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The Final Thirteen

So America and the judges actually managed to put together a pretty solid group of finalists, didn’t they? I mean, I’m not truly offended by any finalist. Yes, Phillip Phillips Phillipson sounds like he’s gargling rocks most of the time, but he seems like a cool enough dude. And no, black Hagrid and Pillsbury dough boy Rosado and Sideshow Bob and To Catch A Steven Tyler Predator bait aren’t the most interesting or vocally talented people ever, but they’re all properly inoffensive. And Heejun! Well, that one isn’t much of a singer, is he? But at least he’s fun before and after he performs. All I ask for is an entertaining show and if he provides some of that, I’m good.

But then there are also finalists who could be really exciting, too! Maybe Colton will end up crowd surfing! Jessica and Hollie are teens who can sing and don’t feel like they’ve just outgrown Toddlers & Tiaras. Josh is everything Jacob wanted to be and so much more. Elise and Erika actually feel like real people who might live on this planet we call Earth and also happen to be rock stars. And Skylar, well, I don’t think we’ll have a dull moment with Skylar.

So yes. I am excited for the group we have. But that also means we lost 12 people this week. And it was sort of sad. But not really, because for the most part, the right people went. Anyway, I’m always of the opinion that everyone deserves a swan song, and these poor semifinalists that get culled never get their own. So, I’ve decided to give them one with my beautiful voice on a song America clearly didn’t hear enough of this past week. I present, to the tune of Adele’s “One And Only,” “The Final Thirteen.” (Lyrics below)


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