The Final Thirteen

So America and the judges actually managed to put together a pretty solid group of finalists, didn’t they? I mean, I’m not truly offended by any finalist. Yes, Phillip Phillips Phillipson sounds like he’s gargling rocks most of the time, but he seems like a cool enough dude. And no, black Hagrid and Pillsbury dough boy Rosado and Sideshow Bob and To Catch A Steven Tyler Predator bait aren’t the most interesting or vocally talented people ever, but they’re all properly inoffensive. And Heejun! Well, that one isn’t much of a singer, is he? But at least he’s fun before and after he performs. All I ask for is an entertaining show and if he provides some of that, I’m good.

But then there are also finalists who could be really exciting, too! Maybe Colton will end up crowd surfing! Jessica and Hollie are teens who can sing and don’t feel like they’ve just outgrown Toddlers & Tiaras. Josh is everything Jacob wanted to be and so much more. Elise and Erika actually feel like real people who might live on this planet we call Earth and also happen to be rock stars. And Skylar, well, I don’t think we’ll have a dull moment with Skylar.

So yes. I am excited for the group we have. But that also means we lost 12 people this week. And it was sort of sad. But not really, because for the most part, the right people went. Anyway, I’m always of the opinion that everyone deserves a swan song, and these poor semifinalists that get culled never get their own. So, I’ve decided to give them one with my beautiful voice on a song America clearly didn’t hear enough of this past week. I present, to the tune of Adele’s “One And Only,” “The Final Thirteen.” (Lyrics below)



“The Final Thirteen”

You’re all out of time
You’ll be forgotten in a day
And in no one’s mind
as your memory fades away

Adam you should
Let that big black woman out
She’s done you no good
Might press charges for slander

Chelsea and Chase Likens
Never had a chance
Always fodder, all the time
Country can’t pull you through

Haley Johnsen
Yeah you really blew
Those sweet dreams are dead
It sucks to be you

You didn’t make it to the
The final thirteen
Creighton yeah you are done
With wrecking ear drums
Hallie deserved one more chance
But that’s not gonna happen
So goodbye y’all
Until the end starts

And Reed you’ve lost your mind
Your face it provokes instant rage
Wanna die inside
At the mention of your name

Wasted five years,
Baylie, ’cause you really sucked
Least you can market
Atonal Barbie to Mattel

Aaron your song choice blew
and no one really cared
Everybody everywhere
Should’ve known you were gone

Brielle and Jen
Got a second try
But even with that
Still couldn’t get by

You didn’t make it to the
The final thirteen
But it was worth it,
To watch Eben sing

‘Cause you set fire to the rain
And had the backdrop turn to flames
And that’s perfect
Until the end starts

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1 Response to “The Final Thirteen”


  1. 1 aquayers March 4, 2012 at 3:54 am

    LOL. You’re funny,dude. I always enjoy reading your recap.


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