X-Factor Top 11: Songs That Were Coincidentally In Movies

So I was super excited when the impeccably styled Steve Jones, keeper of the time, announced that the contestants would be singing songs from the movies. It was movie night on X-Factor! X-Factor has theme weeks, y’all. I mean, I pretty much live for theme weeks because of the hilarious choices they bring about. But no, this wasn’t movie night. This was pick any song at random and then use Google to find out which movie it was in week. Idol usually fudges a bit on movie week, too, but at least no one has sung something made famous by Get Smart on Idol. (That said, X-Factor doesn’t need theme weeks to provide us with hilarious and insane song choices, so they get a pass.)

Steve Jones is still the promptest host on TV and the judges are still desperate to convince America that the contestants are talented.

Stacy Francis – “Queen Of The Night” (The Bodyguard)
Stacy is one of the few who sang a song that is actually associated with a movie. So kudos to Nicole for that. On to other things that deserve kudos: Stacy’s matching sparkly red dress and microphone, the enthusiastic backup dancers, and InTENsity’s playground structure prop turned cage. But seriously, the little bit in the middle where Stacy walked back into the cage apparatus (seriously now, how has this scaffolding leftover been used as a stage prop twice already?) and did a little dancing was pure gold. Finally, I’m pretty sure the last thing LA Reid said was “I like it when you cry” which is simultaneously hilarious and awful. (He was just pissed that Paula said his song sucked.)

Marcus Canty – “I’m Going Down” (Car Wash)
Marcus got to wear a sparkly silver jacket, which meant that the night started 2 for 2 for glittery outfits. (It should be noted that Simon liked neither of these stylistic choices. Clearly he hates fun and happiness.) Anyway, they made this whole big deal about Marcus showing off his voice because he already proved he could dance and perform and whatnot. This all seems like a fool’s endeavor, though because it meant he had no ridiculous staging to fall back on and an X-Factor performance without ridiculous staging performance is just not something I can support.

Drew – “Fix You” (You, Me, And Dupree)
I don’t think I can stress enough how amazing it is that Simon had to claim “Fix You” was from You, Me, and Dupree. No one knew about the song before this amazing work of cinema came along to give it the time of day. Truly a modern masterpiece. So Simon promised that he was switching things up! This time it would be different and surprising. And then Drew did her Drew-thing and crushed the song into a tiny bit of lifeless goo. (Granted, not a particularly difficult task with “Fix You.”) At least she had some greatly entertaining fallbacks – her self-designed peacock colored dress, her peacock colored hair, her peacock colored microphone. Really, it was a whole lot of peacock colors. She also had a wind machine at one point, which is always good times. Verdict? Fun outfit. Drew song. (“Drew” will now be synonymous with “boring” until I get proof otherwise.)

Leroy Bell – “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” (The Runaway Bride)
Meh. Leroy can sing well but I have no comments. It was a very competent performance surrounded by trainwreck-y parade floats and Melanie Amaro. I was just wondering the other day if people could wear beanies indoors and not look like gigantic douchebags and Leroy does wear a beanie indoors and never looks like a gigantic douchebag. So I guess my big takeaway from this performance was that it is possible to rock a beanie.

Lakoda Rayne – ??
My live stream cut out for a second week in a row before Lakoda Rayne came on and didn’t come back on until way after they were done. I have no comments again about them. I hope they had a fun nature theme, though. Maybe eventually I’ll get to see them play the roles of “flower,” “sun,” “bee,” and “bird.”

Astro – “Lose Yourself” (8 Mile)
I saw a grand total of eight seconds of Astro’s performance, but that was really all I needed to see. Astro! Rapping an Eminem song! With copious pyro! PYRO! Honestly, once I see fire I can’t really focus on anything else. I don’t exactly know how to fit the following Paula quote cohesively into this paragraph, so I’ll just do it in a disjointed fashion: “transcend your voice to a myriad of genres.” Yes. Paula said that. About Astro. I don’t know what to make of it either, but thank you Paula for existing on this planet.

Melanie Amaro – “Man In The Mirror” (This Is It)
Everyone knows that I think Melanie Amaro is the only one on the show who can actually sing. This episode did nothing to change my mind on that front. However, Melanie’s singing ability took a backseat to the words flying up and down her backdrop while she was performing. You see, “Man In The Mirror” is a message song and because this is X-Factor, they had to hammer that point home, so we got treated to some lovely messages on the big screen. These messages included “disease,” “poverty,” “prejudice” and “hunger” at first. But wait! Then Melanie hit the chorus where she belted change accompanied by the word “change” behind her. Then Melanie turned into Jesus and there was blinding white light and smoke and BAM! The poverty and hunger was gone and now there was just “love” and “hope.” Melanie Amaro will bring us world peace!

Stereo Hogzz – “Ain’t No Other Man” (Get Smart)
Despite being consistently entertaining and not entirely nails-on-chalkboard unbearable, Stereo Hogzz found themselves in the bottom two last week. It was crushing to see, really. Now they’re back, better than ever, singing a Christina Aguilera song. Paula Abdul is the best mentor ever. She gives her groups amazing choreography with gigantic props and fun disposable pop songs. Everything is bigger and better with Paula. Stereo Hogzz got to descend a flight of stairs and show off some black leather gloves along with their polished dance moves. The total brilliance culminated in a confetti shower, as most total brilliance tends to do. (Also, LA Reid is kind of a clueless buffoon when it comes to music which is a little shocking. He a) didn’t know the song and b) got defensive and asked what “decade” it was from when the rest of the panel looked at him like he was insane. It came out in 2006 and won a Grammy.)

Josh Krajcik – “With A Little Help From My Friends” (Across The Universe)
Let’s just take a moment to appreciate that this was introduced to us a Joe Cocker song from Across The Universe. I’m pretty sure that’s how most of us know “With A Little Help From My Friends,” right? And then LA Reid went on to talk about how he had to live up to Joe Cocker! Because, y’know, we’re all thinking “geeze, you gotta do that Joe Cocker justice. Don’t ruin his precious baby.” So Krajcik continued to Abrams it, complete with one too many grunts and a good dose of crazy eyes. He was surrounded by women standing on platforms in long, flowing dresses and sort of writhing around awkwardly. I’m not sure whose idea that was or what they were thinking when they made that decision, but bless them.

Chris Rene – “Gangsta’s Paradise” (Dangerous Minds)
Hah. Chris Rene sang a Coolio song. He also cannot sing. Or rap. He’s really pointless. I don’t know. I think I might find him so offensively bad that even the legion of backup dancers that swarmed the stage and the graffiti-styled backdrop can’t make me truly enjoy his performances. If I thought I was up to the task of rewatching his performance, I’d try to dissect some of his more hilarious lyrics, but alas, I am not in a particularly masochistic mood tonight.

Rachel Crow – “I’d Rather Go Blind” (Cadillac Records)
Rachel Crow now gets to be billed as the “Colorado schoolgirl who is singing for her very own bathroom” because this show has lost all semblance of reality. I don’t know what to say about Rachel Crow. She’s just there and singing some old song that she’s probably never heard before in her life. Oh wait, I do know what to say about Rachel Crow. She has now spent three performances perched atop a platform. She does not leave her platform the entire performance. I want to know what would happen if Rachel tried to venture away from her raised stage. Would she melt? Burst into flames? Would something less lethal happen? Probably, but that’s no fun to think about. So yeah. Rachel. She’s got hair.

Bottom 2: Stacy Francis & Stereo Hogzz
(God, this is going to be so wrong, but I have zero grasp on X-Factor fanbases right now.)

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