The X-Factor Judges Have Really Big Houses

Well, now that I’ve seen each of the top 32 contestants perform in an immaculately manicured backyard, I feel as though I can accurately assess their abilities. Before I wasn’t quite so sure I had a proper grasp on all of them, but I’m good to go now that I know where each ranks with regards to the truly artist-defining quality of “ability to work a porch.”

… so yeah, I thought the format of this round was a little awkward. I mean, who thought, “hey! Let’s have the contestants all go to these super lavish mansions and then have them perform in the most randomly chosen outdoor spots possible. And we’ll also have them sing to really loud, polished backing tracks because that totally works well with the whole one-on-one setting we have going. And to top it off, we’ll add some random famous person!” Most of the time, it worked well enough. Simon’s lackeys were all annoying and useless, but I think Mariah Carey would’ve just been awkward and useless, so I’m not too upset. Rihanna, Pharrell and Enrique were actually more useful/entertaining than I thought they’d be.

I probably had more general thoughts, but four hours of any TV show is too much in one week, so I’m just going to pretend it didn’t happen. Because I’m entirely too wordy and I have thirty two contestants to cover, I’m going to devote no more than one sentence to each contestant. (Spoiler: I can write really, really long sentences.)

Boys (from worst to best)
Skyelor Anderson: In a category this weak, Skyelor’s awkward, country brand of inherently untalented manages to be just unspectacular enough to earn him the highly-contested bottom spot.

Nick Voss: My opinion of Nick’s “Everybody Wants To Rule The World” performance is the same as my opinion of his hairstyle: ugly, bordering on offensive, yet oddly compelling.

Chris Rene: Recently rehabilitated meth addict trash collector baby daddies are far more entertaining on Dr. Phil than on singing competitions, especially when said rehabilitated meth addict trash collector baby daddy has no singing talent to speak of.

Phillip Lomax: Fedoras are for douchebags or Neal Caffrey and Phillip is no Neal Caffrey.

Brian Bradley: Aside from possessing an astronomically obnoxious personality, the only tiny problem with Brian Bradley is that he’s a fourteen-year-old rapper and no one wants to hear a fourteen-year-old rap.

Tim Cifers: Who?

Brennin Hunt: Brennin gains points for being able to sing, he loses points for being a total tool and having the name “Brennin.”

Marcus Canty: Marcus is hardly a great singer, but his audition proved he is both entertaining and dramatic enough to make a solid reality TV show contestant, so of course he’s the best option from the boy’s group. (Sigh.)

4Shore: Atonal wailing is never pleasant, but it’s even less pleasant when backed up by three dying cats.

Lakoda Rayne: They’re like the Spice Girls if the Spice Girls were blonder, blander and spelled their name with an unnecessary “y”.

Illusion Confusion: Um, at least their group name is entertaining.

2Squar’d: I was going to say they got screwed by the awful song choice of “Bohemian Rhapsody” but after hearing them sing, at least “Bohemian Rhapsody” gives them a reliable scapegoat.

Intensity: The overstuffed Glee club from hell was partially salvaged by the hilarity of the Ting Tings and Ellona Santiago’s legitimately pleasing voice.

The Brewer Boys: Their voices don’t send me into violent fits of rage and as far as I know, neither of them has ever kicked a puppy so they’re alright in my book.

The Anser: Honestly would be ranked lower if it weren’t for Pharrell making a comment of the one dude’s super awesome red glasses and this tweet.

Stereo Hogzz: They displayed the highest degree of entertainment level (sort of like a highest degree of difficulty) in their performance which included spectacularly cheesy choreograph even by X-Factor standards and a lead singer who had no problem taking the song to church.

Over 30s (AKA a category that might have some talent)
Josh Krajcik: Pass.

Christa Collins: When you get thrown by the wayside for the stellar vocal stylings of one Ms. Britney Spears, perhaps you should consider a career change.

Dexter Haygood: I think “Crazy In Love” is filing charges against Dexter for the once-homeless, still-talentless man’s egregious assault on the song’s melody.

James Kenney: Thanks for playing.

Tiger Budbill: His name is Tiger for crying out loud!

Elaine Gibbs: Grandma Gibbs can gospel hand with the best of them and much like Stacy Francis thinks that restraint is a dirty word, however she is missing one crucial element which puts her a step behind Stacy…

Stacy Francis: B-A-C-K-S-T-O-R-Y by the buckets and a flair for overly dramatic made-for-TV lines keep Ms. Francis and her perpetually smeared mascara a notch above her obvious competitor.

Leroy Bell: He comes with perfect tone, perfect phrasing and a face that leads me to believe he is straight out of Tuck Everlasting.

Girls (Where the worst girl is still better than the best boy)
Rachel Crow: Take everything you’ve ever hated about child stars and wrap it up in the perfectly precocious, Backstreet Boy-mutilating package of overpimped and overpraised and you’ve got yourself one Rachel Crow.

Simone Battle: Miraculously found singing talent at Simon’s house but exuded exponentially less star power in her slutty witch outfit than in her red audition hot-pants.

Tora Woloshin: Here’s a pointer: the lyrics to “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” are, in total, “I can’t get no satisfaction.”

Caitlin Koch: Drastically slowing a song down once is artistic, while drastically slowing a song down four times in a row is grounds for a clinical study for a new insomnia cure.

Drew Ryniewicz: Drew’s defining feature is a love of Justin Bieber and I will never be able to spell her last name without the help of Google, but her voice is interesting enough to overcome those two monumental shortcomings.

Tiah Tolliver: “No Diggity” + “If I Ain’t Got You” = Happy taks, regardless of other factors.

Jazzlyn Little: Jazzlyn has an absurdly soulful voice for a teenager who would likely meltdown in a live show and her performance answered the age old question of “what would Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I Will Survive’  sound like as a contemporary R&B ballad?”

Melanie Amaro: So much better than everyone else it hurts.

See you on Tuesday when X-Factor cuts everyone I like and keeps everyone I can’t stand.


2 Responses to “The X-Factor Judges Have Really Big Houses”

  1. 1 Viv October 17, 2011 at 5:26 am

    I was with you until you put a bunch of whos in front on Chris. Drew is exponentially better than Tiah, but it’s your whole niche so I can forgive you for falling for that bizarre performance. Stereo Hoggz is the only group worth listening to, but I’d like to see Intensity make it just for the lulz. Oh, these shows.

    • 2 jaytak October 17, 2011 at 3:56 pm

      To be honest, I think Drew is better than Tiah, but “No Diggity” is such a jam that I had to place Tiah higher.

      I find the boys category to be so awful that pretty much everyone after Marcus is essentially tied for last. Chris sounds horrible and the randoms make it higher than him simply because I can’t remember them.

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