The Idol Finale: Now In Not-So-Live Blog Format

I just finished watching the American Idol finale and thoroughly loved it. Instead of attempting to type up a blog remembering every delectable morsel that happened in the jam-packed 2 hour finale, I decided to just jot down my thoughts as I was watching. So, with extremely minimal editing, here are my thoughts in chronological order.

122 million votes! and Arkansas didn’t even have a horse this year

there’s something incomplete about an Idol finale without Simon Cowell’s first suit

All white outfits! Hurrah! Praise!

“Scotty McHottie” sign. Danger. Danger. Abort. Abort.

Top 13 – “Born This Way” (Lady Gaga)

  • I thought I was done with Gaga for the season? No, really?
  • BUT JACOB ON GROUP CHOREOGRAPHY IS BACK. Oh Jacob, how I’ve missed you.
  • I enjoy that only about half the contestants decided to learn the lyrics to lip to. It makes it more interesting.

James Durbin and Judas Priest 

  • James Durbin in the finale. I hope there are live animals and dead pop icon holograms.
  • SLEEVES, JAMES. SLEEVES. OH GOD. WEAR SLEEVES. PLEASE.
  • omg there is pryo! and flashing lights! and the American Idol sign is GREEN!!!
  • strike a pointy pose! group performance choreography is metal-approved
  • James tried to hype the crowd up but his mic was off. Fail.

At least the show realizes that Randy is useless and most definitely not in it to win it

Jacob Lusk, Kirk Franklin and Gladys Knight

  • I never knew I would be so excited to hear a performance by a “gospel star”
  • Jacob is rocking some awfully fly kicks.
  • GLADYS KNIGHT? WHAT? OMG. GODDESS. THIS IS AMAZING.
  • Do you think a $10 donation to disaster relief involves removing this disaster from the stage? Sorry Jacob, but no.
  • This is the first time a gospel choir has been appropriate on the Idol stage.
  • Look at how happy Jacob is! This performance is pure bliss.
Casey Abrams and Jack Black
  • …what is this soun- OH GOD NO IT’S CASEY. HE’S BACK. I THOUGHT I WAS DONE WITH HIM FOREVER. This is terrible. Everything about it. I don’t enjoy how ridiculous it is. I can’t. No. What. NO.
  • NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
  • Jack Black sounds okay though.
  • NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
  • Jack Black is really entertaining.
  • NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO I WANT TO BE DONE WITH THIS MAN.
  • lol A+ backup dancers.
  • Horrified.

Top 13 Girls with Beyonce

  • Holy shit I forgot how much I loved Naima’s crazy.
  • Holy shit I forgot how much I loved Ashthon’s general existence.
  • Really though, who didn’t want to see Thia Megia do the single ladies dance? I know I needed to see it.
  • HATERS TO THE LEFT! Girl power and such.
  • But really, all these girls sound really good. Karen and Thia have this on lock.
  • This is a truly beautiful medley with truly beautiful choreo. I’m enraptured by it’s awesome.
  • I love you Ashthon. I really do. Marry me, please.
  • Pia can really, really sing. I kind of forgot. But man, I missed her voice.
  • BEYONCE!!!! OMG. They’re singing with Beyonce. They’re Beyonce’s backup dancers!
  • FABULOUS. BEST EVER.

Oh how cute, let’s watch Steven Tyler hit on 15 year olds.

Haley Reinhart and Tony Bennett

  • Glad to see at least one guy I vaguely thought was dead in the back of my mind on the Idol stage like usual. Surprisingly apt pairing
  • Look! It’s an upright bass on stage! THIS PERFORMANCE IS GROUND BREAKING!
  • That had we-had-no-idea-you’d-make-top-6 brevity written all over it.

Jennifer Lopez is hot. Hot. Hot. Ho- OH GOD NO CASEY NO NO NO TAKE IT AWAY NO NO NO NO

Top 13 Girls, Lil Jon and TLC

  • HOLD THE PHONE. WAIT. THE TLC PERFORMANCE INCLUDES LIL JON AND THE GIRLS? WHY IS THIS THE GREATEST THING EVER CREATED? WHAT DIVINE SOUL PUT THIS DECADENT CREATION ON EARTH? I BOW DOWN TO THEIR SUPREMEE POWER>
  • Beautiful. Weeping with joy. I can die happy.
Scotty McCreery and Tim McGraw
  • Woo hoo! Scotty is singing Kris Allen’s song! Oh… wait. No, my bad. It’s that other song. Darn.
  • We made it 40 minutes without country music. I think that’s pretty good.
  • That’s a serious cowboy hat though. I figure the less face I can see, the more badass the person is.
  • Eyebrows!
  • Well, that was new and exciting and completely like nothing I’ve ever heard before from Scotty.

Did Ryan Seacrest just say “and we love radio”?

Where is J. Lo?

Oh, the random bad audition stuff. Oh for the love of god just don’t replay the dude gettting cartwheeled on. Oh god, they’re showing it. Paaaiiiin

Marc Anthony, Sheila E. and Jennifer Lopez

  • Marc Anthony is performing? I guess that answers the J. Lo question.
  • I guess it’s amateur hour at El Torito. Margaritas are only $2!
  • How is Marc Anthony with J. Lo? Seriously, now. We all have eyes. We’re all thinking it.
  • J. Lo, how so beautiful?
  • Oohhh that’s Sheila E.
  • Watching J. Lo made that performance entirely worth it.

I think this whole James/Casey segment would be more entertaining if the sight of Casey didn’t make me recoil in bouts of NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Oh lmao. Well played, Idol editors. Well played.

Top 13 Boys and Tom Jones

  • Oh Stefano clearly drew the short straw to have that opening solo. Yikes. To his credit, he sounded better than anyone else would’ve.
  • I like Paul much more now than I did while he was on the show. I think it’s because drunk uncle is much more acceptable at a variety show.
  • Wait why is Scotty in this medley? Why wasn’t Lauren in the Beyonce medley? Why is Scotty still maing the “I Love You This Big” arm movements?
  • I enjoy that the girls got Beyonce while the guys got Tom Jones. It seems cosmically karmic.

This Ford Commercial has lived up to the precedent set by this season. Failingly competent and dreadfully dull.

Lol oh. Kids can’t drive and Lee DeWyze wasn’t handing out any keys this season. This makes more sense than the classic handing down of the keys.

Lady Gaga – “The Edge Of Glory”

  • OH MOTHER TRUCKING HELL. MORE GAGA? GIVE ME A BREAK, IDOL.
  • I refuse to watch this.
Lauren Alaina and Carrie Underwood
  • Lauren is singing the bestest country song ever with the bestest most awesomest x-men influenced music video known to man. I am now convinced that this finale was almost entirely created to please me.
  • There’s Carrie lookin’ fine and sparkly. Very sparkly.
  • Remember when Carrie was a super awkward farmbot?
  • They even have the exploding lights graphics playing in the background. Homage to the music video, clearly.
  • Lauren is absurdly tall or every woman she sings with is absurdly short.
Beyonce – “1+1”
  • Remember last year when Christina Aguilera released a terrible flop first single that did terribly and was a truly awful song and then came on American Idol and sang her new single? I guess it went over so well for her that Beyonce has decided to do the same. In other news, I hear Beyonce is going to be a coach on The Voice next year!
  • But I do freaking love Ms. Beyonce Knowles.
  • But this song is all sorts of “You Lost Me.”
Bono and the Edge and Spiderman
  • … I don’t think I’ve ever understood anything less than Bono and Spiderman singing in front of a two-story tall fake red web at the American Idol finale.
  • Seriously, what on Earth is going on? What is this song? Why is it happening? Is this a dream? Am I being incepted?
  • How many times is J. Lo going to get propositioned this year?

Steven Tyler – “Dream On”

  • I don’t understand why Idol continues to remind us of Danny Gokey’s scream through various methods. “Dream On” should just be retired, even if it’s Steven Tyler singing it.
  • In unrelated news, A++ for effort on judging this season, Steven.

Lauren already looks like a mess and the results aren’t even in Ryan’s hand yet. Sorry girl, it’s not looking good.

Scotty wins! Girls scream! Kristy Lee Cook prevails!

Confetti! I love you this big! Roll credits!

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