“On The Floor” Video World Premiere, Other Stuff Too

So have you ever seen that American Idol show? Apparently they announced the top 12 last week. Except it wasn’t a top 12, it was a top 13! I know, I was shocked too. They really do love to throw them curveballs. What crazy hijinks will they think of next?

Okay, in all honesty, I didn’t even watch the results show. As fun as two hours of “you’re going home, you’re safe, you’re singing for your life, you’re going home again, you’re in (but America will vote you out again in two weeks)” sounds, I had other scintillating things to do. (Hah, who am I kidding? If I hadn’t been traveling I would’ve been glued to my TV/computer screen for the whole two hours and loved every cheese-drama-Pitbull-filled second of it.) While I cannot comment on the results show itself, I have lots of completely new and unique opinions on the results. Also, I’ve perused through the americanidol.com Contestant’s Page and gathered all you will ever need to know about this year’s top 13.

Performance order matters. Idol viewers are too distracted making themselves a nice three bean casserole while talking to Georgette from work on the phone about the new guy’s poor hygiene to remember performances from the beginning of the night. That’s why there were only two people voted through who weren’t one of the last five to perform: Karen Rodriguez (performed 5th) and James Durbin (performed 6th). I guess the Hispanic voting block and the Tourettes/Aspergers/Poor/Fatherless/Na’avi/Deaf voting block were big enough to carry them through. The rest all received one of the last 5 slots: Scotty (8th), Paul (10th), Jacob (11th), Casey (12th), Haley (9th), Thia (10th), Lauren (11th), and Pia (12th). Stefano and Julie have the distinction of being so lackluster that even a late performance slot couldn’t save their Idol lives.

The Kristy Lee Cook prophecy lives. After last season, there were rumblings that “Eight Days A Week” performer and season 7 contestant Kristy Lee Cook might be the key to predicting our next American Idol. With the last three winners being Kris, Lee and Cook, all that was needed was a Ty to seal the deal. Well, Season 10 has no Ty and fortunately, Ta-Tynisa no longer has a chance to get to the Nokia in May. However, one Scotty McCreery still has a shot and as a country-singing, young, not-entirely-hideous, white male cannot be ruled out as a contender. Sure, it’s a bit of a stretch in fitting the prediction, but Kristy herself always stretched the boundaries of music.

Diversity, thy name is Wildcard. Sorry Kendra Chantelle, Lauren Turner, and Rachel Zevita, Idol had filled its quota for white girls and needed to do better than last year’s 11th placer Paige Miles in the African-American female department. (I mean, one of the two ladies this year has to at least outlast Lil Rounds, right? Or maybe they’ll both just go the way of wildcard pick Jasmine Murray.) Yeah, I threw race into the discussion. Whatcha’ gon’ do ’bout it? (Please remember that I loved both Naima and Ashthon and couldn’t care less about Kendra or Lauren. So huzzah diversity!)

Now, time to actually talk about the top 13. I’ve gone through the contestant profiles, which include pertinent details such as each contestant’s favorite quote and dream performance, and gathered all the important information so you don’t have to!

Ashthon Jones
Favorite Quote – Trite or Christ?: Trite
Media Readiness Score (skill in fabricating calculated answers for maximum voter effect): 3/10
Other: Ashthon Jones is stunning. Ashthon Jones is perfect. Oh yeah and Ashthon Jones would like to perform with The Temptations. So maybe Ashthon Jones sees dead people too. (Yeah, yeah, whatever, The Temptations still are around and performing. Tell that to David Ruffin.) Additionally, she used “LOL” in one of her answers, so she’s clearly got the social media thing down. (LOL JK, don’t check her Twitter.)

Casey Abrams
Trite or Christ?: Trite
Media Readiness Score: 2/10
Other: Did you know that Casey James likes jazz music? He’s just oh-so-different.

Haley Reinhart
Trite or Christ?: Trite
Media Readiness Score: 7/10
Other: Haley’s musical influences include 50’s, Motown, classic rock, disco, pop, funk, and blues. She wanted to include country, heavy metal, contemporary Christian, hip hop, classical, 20s, 30s, 40s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, 00s, polka, bluegrass, commercial jingles and cowbells but thought that might be overkill. (Hey, guess who owns a polka album? Casey Abrams!) Needless to say, Haley will be prepared for “Disco Movie Songs From The Year You Were Born” night.

Jacob Lusk
Trite or Christ?: Trite
Media Readiness Score: 1
Other: Jacob’s entire profile uses fewer words than Haley’s musical influences. (Although I guess if you read his answers like he sings, they might take just as long to get through. Suddenly, his answer to “Do you have any vocal training?” becomes, “NoOooooOoOoyeahoooeatmicrophoneoooooOoooOotralalalaooO.”) Jacob has extremely diverse musical tastes. I mean, his dream performance song is “I Will Always Love You” and his dream duet is with Whitney Houston! The man is a musical mosaic.

James Durbin
Trite or Christ?: Trite
Media Readiness Score: 5
Other: James Durbin is the 2011 silver medalist in the sucking up to Steven Tyler event. His musical influences include Steven Tyler, as does his ideal duet. (This, sadly, was not enough to overcome Lauren Alaina’s months of training for the event.) The only evidence which exists that proves James Durbin is not an unbearable human being is his possession of Disney’s Hercules soundtrack.

Karen Rodriguez
Trite or Christ?: Trite
Media Readiness Score: 5
Other: Karen Rodriguez is Hispanic. She really is. She promises. So if you speak Spanish or are some sort of Latino American or maybe even just took Spanish in high school or like some sort of Central/South American food or know someone who went to Tijuana for Spring Break, then you should vote for her. She also wants to one up Jacob Lusk by singing “I Will Always Love You” in English and, you guessed it, Spanish!

Lauren Alaina
Trite or Christ?: Christ
Media Readiness Score: 9
Other: Lauren Alaina would like to show James how to properly suck up to Steven Tyler. Exhibit A: “I would perform with Aerosmith because Steven Tyler is extremely talented and a cool person!” Exhibit B: “I already got to sing with Steven Tyler and I can’t think of anything more special to sing.” Despite Aerosmith, music did not exist for Lauren before 2005 when Carrie Underwood won American Idol. As such, Carrie is Lauren’s only musical influence. Lauren gives everything she has every performance and listens to (read: can sing) all genres. Lauren is the winner of American Idol, 2011. (Woops, how did that get in there?)

Naima Adedapo
Trite or Christ?: Trite
Media Readiness Score: 6
Other: Naima is not afraid to refer to herself in the third person. Naima is also living in a time when there is only one Avril Lavigne album. Naima answers every question she is asked by first completely restating the question.

Paul McDonald
Trite or Christ?: Dylan
Media Readiness Score: 4
Other: Paul is currently attempting to pass 2nd grade English. (Okay, okay. It’s absolutely unfair to harp on the contestants for spelling/grammar on these pages, especially when I have no idea who actually writes the content. But let it be known that the word “timelss” appears on two separate occasions.)

Pia Toscano
Trite or Christ?: Trite
Media Readiness Score: 5
Other: Pia’s musical influences are Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston and Celine Dion. … … … (No, I didn’t make that up. I wish I made that up. I desperately wish I made that up.)

Scotty McCreery
Trite or Christ?: Christ
Media Readiness Score: 7
Other: Scotty loves good ol’ country music and football and apple pie and the American flag. It might come as a surprise to people that Scotty would like to perform a Josh Turner song with Josh Turner on Josh Turner’s birthday for a crowd of Josh Turner’s closest friends and family. Just in case America does not vote Lauren Alaina the winner of this season of American Idol, Scotty will make an excellent replacement.

Stefano Langone
Trite or Christ?: Trite
Media Readiness Score: 3
Other: Stefano quickly rehabilitated from his life-threatening car crash. Though he made a complete physical recovery, he was left with a disability which disallowed him from using complete sentences ever again. Stefano’s facial hair is absurdly distracting and has completely ruined any chance of this bio going anywhere. Seriously, why is it there? What purpose does it serve? Stefano doesn’t even know. It’s just there, lurking and waiting for the unsuspecting to walk by before it jumps on to the next victim.

Thia Megia
Trite or Christ?: Trite
Media Readiness Score: 6
Other: “Thia” has an h in it but “Megia” does not. (Yes, I learn something new every day.) Thia is alphabetically last on the list of contestants sorted by first name and, as such, gets nothing written about her because thirteen contestants is too many and these biographies have become really, really boring. Sorry, Thia. I know you’re crushed that I wasn’t able to sarcastically insult you for things that are completely benign. Next time, I promise you’ll be first.

And that’s your top 13. If you’re unaware of the upcoming schedule, the top 13 will perform songs from some generic theme which is not really a theme on Wednesday. Then, on Thursday, Ryan Seacrest will reveal the results and Ashthon Jones will be sent home. See y’all then.

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